In a different space, again

Is 'normal' what feels familiar, or is it what I’ve told myself is ‘right’ because I was taught to think of it as ‘right’, or is it what I think of as ‘real’ and when my reality takes on a different face, it seems ‘unreal’ or not normal . . . because what’s real, anyway? And what’s normal, anyway? And is new just new? Once I label new ‘unfamiliar’ and ‘abnormal’ it seems smaller, and more defined. and relative; it loses a lot of its shine. Right now I seem drawn to ‘new’ and shiny; and yet I also find myself searching for words. Most of the time, recently, I’ve let go of that (old) need and I’ve just revelled in wordlessness; not this afternoon, it seems! So I’ll see which words fall off the top of my head and out through my fingers now.

I’ve just spent 4 weeks in London and now I’m on a 4-day jaunt in Lisbon. So just when London sidewalks and cityscapes and air/noise/drizzle/routines started to feel ‘normal’ and me being there had started to feel ‘normal’ and my environment had qualities of very familiar and real when I let myself believe it, I’ve jolted myself into another awareness of YIKES, it’s ALL illusion, it’s all real, and/or it’s all normal if I say it is . . . and of course, there is no normal, it’s all whatever I think or feel it is . . . if I start to think and put words.boxes.labels to ‘it’ . . . and it’s all MUCH more abstract and flowing and alive when I don’t do that.

Sitting in the sun in a large square in downtown/oldtown Lisbon this morning was lovely. I recognized the shoes on my feet as mine, as the ones I’d put on this morning and the same ones I’d worn in Ottawa and London; I recognized the yummy taste of good and timely coffee and the familiar, wonderful feel of warm sun on my face and a metal chair under my bum and plenty of time ahead and space around me. All that was familiar (normal?) and everything else was not; I could name the objects but they weren’t ‘mine’ in the sense of familiar and normal and what, until now, had been my ‘reality”: the hilly city full of wide tree-lined imperial-feeling avenues and tiny winding cobble-stoned alley-sized streets; loomingly large flat-fronted churches, triangular and semicircular plazas, palm and plane trees; and very small elderly men sitting chatting endlessly in café’s; the colour, sound and smell of the busses, the spoken- and body-language of everyone around me, the quality of the light and the air. A parallel universe that coexists with my ‘own’ one and zillions of others on this planet, a fractal of our galaxy and universe? Or just a different way of seeing ‘my’ world? or just me finding myself in the space of what I didn’t know I didn’t know; me expanding my space - and loving the experience?

Who knows. Who needs answers. The questions are such fun . . . and open-ended if I say so. Who needs labels and boxes and words that sound as if there’s a logic. Not me, right now. I’m back to enjoying wordless, it seems. And flourishing in my world, ‘normal’ or not.

Travelling Thoughts

From Melbourne, Australia, things look different today, for me. My son got married yesterday – another ‘milestone’ for me as a Mother, even if he’s 38 and it’s his second marriage. My perception of my world, my family, shifted again perceptibly. What is it about a formal commitment voiced aloud in front of family and close friends that changes ‘my world’? I don’t know, because S. and N. have been together now for about 4 years, and for a while now I certainly have felt that N. is very welcome part of our family – yet, something shifted in me and my view of my world. I’m not sure what – certainly words aren’t dripping off my fingers to describe it . . . it feels like I’m a bit more ‘alone’ . . . do I mean more ‘me’ and less ‘Mother’ which I guess, has something with responsibility and (inter)dependence ? even though nothing’s changed and in fact, I’ve gained a daughter-in-law? - I don’t feel that I’ve lost a son, and I haven’t felt ‘responsible’ for him for a long time. Maybe it’s just one more layer of letting go and creating space for all three of us? I’ll stay awake to the sensation in my body, and possibly some insights will pop about what I’m learning about myself, here: Down Under.

Another ‘event’ this week in Australia that, I realise now, has ‘caused’- if I think linearly, an inner shift in my world-view; it’s a welcome one. I am together in the same place as my ex-husband for the first time in many months. He too is here for the wedding and we spent several hours in conversation the day before we would be ‘publicly’ together at the wedding ceremony and reception. I had anticipated the day with very mixed feelings, and many of them fall into a theme of nervous, fearful about what emotions might get roiled up again; even though part of me really looked forward to the opportunity to exchange ‘news’ and discuss where we both ‘are’ now - and the fact that I could be looking forward to seeing him caused me concerns too. Complicated, eh?! Thankfully, we actually did spend our time together, walking, talking and eating in a spirit of acceptance of the other as an independent person and less as an EX husband/wife – at least that’s what I was feeling. And because both of us are sure that we made the right decision (to separate) last year, and because each of us is less wobbly about the huge, courageous step that we took after 40 years of marriage, we were able to keep the conversation, for the most part at least, away from ‘the past’. So while I am still aware that I harbour a sense of caution and ‘bracing up against’ any possible further hurt, disrespect or overwhelm, I am much more hopeful about the possibility that we might get together at intervals without old patterns and triggers upsetting me, without emotional distress and resentful aftermaths. I know it’s up to me to create my world for myself . . . and it’s great to see that I am doing a good job of it this week!


And the third thing (although who’s counting?!) is my discovery here in Australia about Traveling By Myself. Being at the other side of the planet and ‘alone’ here for 90% of the time (except for wedding and meeting up with S and N (and my ex) for a meal or a stroll occasionally) makes me very aware that I’m fully responsible for my choices (which also shows me how long I’ve kidded myself that I’m not responsible for my choices). There are no musts, no shoulds, here. For a while now I have had no beliefs of how A Tourist must see everything, so choosing only the sights/places that I’m drawn to has been an easy one. But I notice that I feel a strong sense of liberation right now from any need to fit in nor compromise my ‘wishes’ to fit in with anyone else . . . I KNOW other people live like this on a daily basis; and not just when they are traveling! For me, it’s still a learning process and I’m getting better loving it, fully relishing it, and not feeling discombobulated about it. I AM more aware that there are lots of things tourists do that do not interest me in the slightest, and many things that I’ve been doing that feel – and are - illogical, irrational, wasteful, yes, even WHIMSICAL. And I’m doing just fine with that!
And I’ll also admit: I’ve also had moments of “what am I doing here” and moments of ‘I’m not up to this’, and periods of I have NO desire to do ANYthing, and brief interludes when the old belief/rule about making the most of my time here etc etc rears its head. Each of these moments are MINE, I’m getting better at claiming them as soon as I ‘see’ them, and in each instance breathing, and remembering who and what I am, have served me well to move on from them pretty quickly!

So here I am, writing merrily away from my hotel room in Melbourne; I fly on to Sydney tomorrow . . . basically to do whatever I feel like, and totally without a plan. I can’t tell you how unfamiliar that still FEELS; some who’ll remain nameless would say (resentfully) that I’ve often done that before, but they don’t know what was going on inside me. Until recently, or: for so unbelievably long, I have NOT FELT the feeling of freedom to just be selfishly-me; for so long I never claimed a right, an entitlement to choose what I want, to choose purely for me (irrationally, whimsically). That was all small-making, belief-driven behaviour, all very old and ‘learned’, and thankfully, I’m now aware of that. It just used to be 'normal'. I can revert back to that - or I can choose not to . . . and these days I'm revelling in feeling plan-less and self-ish and choice-full.
This trip to the far side of my world (both physically and metaphorically) is my creation, eh? Not bad.

Last year, last week, today

I haven't been OUT, writing, but I've been HERE, alive and well - and awake, too. What a difference AWAKE makes!

Lots has been going through my body recently, maybe because it's one year ago that my marriage unravelled and many memories of one year ago come to mind - both in my head and, it's clear to me, in my body too. What have I 'learned'? Lots, and it continues.
More and more, I'm aware that IT comes down to me: ME taking responsibility for my own life. Each word I've just written resonates with huge meaning - MY OWN life, no one else's; TAKING, not accepting; RESPONSIBILITY, not control; ME, awake and connected. It's been a year of that, almost to the day. What a leap into the new and unknown and big! And I'm HERE now. And where will IT lead me? Stay tuned - I'm curious too.

Last week's discoveries:
It doesn't have to be difficult;
I make a difference;
There's no right and wrong;
It's a case of one foot in front of the other - no grand plan, but mindfully. It works for me (except when the lure of a plan gets in the way).
I'm not as young as I used to be: I get tired AND I bounce back again;
RIG - fully, I am on my own, and I'm not alone. Thank - fully.

I've known most of those 'items' for a while, somehow, in the last weeks, they became part of my being. I'm glad. NOW is good.

Words for Vibrations? No small task!

Five whole days 'discussing' the essential nature of the vibration that I am in the universe and what that means to me 'in real life' - how good can it get! With a small group of women, in a room in an office building in Kanata, Ontario, each of us drawing, painting or just sipping coffee as we engage in conversation and 'investigation', with flip chart pages on the walls as 'evidence' of getting closer to our goal this week: finding the words to best describe what each of us senses to be our unique energetic signals. It's not an easy exercise, we’re on an ever-changing playing-field with minefields of information (visible as emotions) and new paths of thought and nuances of meanings to explore; it's certainly interesting and it's definitely lots of fun. Tomorrow will be the 6th and final day of the “Manifesting’ program.
(http://www.wel-systems.com/programs/index.htm)

And where am I now in this exploration? Just like trying to put words to my vibration (which, at this point, I've left up on the piece of paper on the wall as “I am primal hum" ), it's also difficult to describe where this exploration has brought me to. The words stand, for me, for the energetic beep or spark of light (or hum) that I am in the universe. I was this, long before my conception and development as 'Lucy' and I will be this, this same vibration, long after my physical death. The words 'primal hum' bring up a feeling in my body that feels alive, a sense of space and simplicity and immense possibility and has a force to it that feels 'right' to me. As these words rumble through me, I feel a sense of 'worth' or value, of strength and completeness. Is there a logic to why 'primal hum' evokes this state in me today? There doesn't need to be; it just does - it feels like it fits ME. Or is it the other way round? i.e. When I feel all these sensations, I am connected to ‘primal hum’, the vibration that is ME. I’m not sure it matters which way ‘round it goes.

And where does this discovery take me? How does having a more defined sense of my own energetic signal change the way I experience my world? It changes my context completely: Previously I experienced myself in the reflection of what/who I saw outside of me, and my choices were based on what I perceived would gain me the acceptance and approval of those around me whose reflections I was seeing myself in. Now I experience my world through, or from, my connection to this vibration inside myself which I am hearing or feeling more clearly. Because of this different sense of who I AM - which is an independent and unique energetic being expressing in this world through my human body, I am the centre of my world and I create it ‘from inside’: I base my choices on the resonance from my inner vibration (inner Self) - what we often call intuition or gut feeling. I feel ‘safe’ in this, because I know that I can trust the ‘intelligence’ of my own vibration. It is not bound by cultural conditioning; it will neither harm nor abandon me. I believe that its only ‘agenda’ is the growth and evolution of the universal consciousness, the cosmic intelligence – from which it comes, of which it is a part. To be part of this growth and evolution is the purpose of my existence as a woman, here in this physical plane, now.

Does this sound crazy? It certainly is very different from what I was taught to believe that I am. It feels ‘revolutionary’; it’s a paradigm shift. Day to day, this new way of seeing what I am (an energetic signal expressing through a human body) transforms how I move through my life – but it does not feel crazy. I now recognize and claim the huge responsibility (my own, for myself) to take full charge of my life and, as mindfully as possible, to make choices that feel in alignment with what I feel inside my body (where my own unique ‘primal hum’ hums). The sense I have is of empowerment, of unlimited possibilities that are mine to choose from. Having my ‘primal hum’ as a reference point, as a guidepost, makes living mindfully – and more fully - somewhat easier, certainly not crazier.

And tomorrow is Day 6 of “Manifesting”! Who knows where our conversations tomorrow will lead us. It's the last day of this program but the journey will continue. Yessirree; there is certainly no turning back now: the adventure is far too exciting; the possibilities are magnificent and this game is infinite.

What ‘practical differences’ does my clearer sense of ‘primal hum’ make, on a day to day basis? It’s all still too new for me to say, now, but I’m certainly interested in the topic going forward! . . . Whether I can describe any changes, whether they are actually pinpointable or whether they’re mostly 'just' in My Transformed Perception of my life and its context, and not actually discernable as new/changed actions? Who knows. Stay tuned.

Gaining Momentum

I started this new blog site knowing I was going to list it in my bio for the website for Guardians of the Vision: Parenting for the Birthright of Potential (http://www.wel-systems.com/products/GOTVauthor.htm). I want to use this blog as a place to delve into aspects of the topics in the book that interest/intrique/concern me. By ‘publishing’ my blogsite, I also hope to elicit comments from readers – to hear their comments about my chapter and others in the book, their own thoughts as Guardians (or not), and about the book’s power and any impact it might have on their way of seeing the world. It will also be a space for me to write about, to explore more about what being a contributing author for the book means to me as the experience unfolds and expands. I feel more alive, my life has become bigger, I am more visible since writing my chapter “Seeing Through a Different Lens”; and whimsical is a part of what I am – and this explains my choice for the ‘name’ of this blogsite.

I also started it now because I want to blog again! Just to write when I want to, and to send my words, my voice, out into the universe. To hear myself express myself and to share my postings with anybody who is interested in reading what I am thinking/feeling/exploring. Comments will be welcome, but I will continue to write even if it ‘looks’ like no-one is hearing me; I am hearing and seeing myself when I write and I find that I get to know myself better, or differently, that way. It’s fun; it’s expanding.

At the same time, this week, I have found myself having nagging thoughts about My Blog that, I realize, create less space not more; that shrivel me up, that prevent me from expanding in all directions. It comes down to: How open, honest, clear and direct am I really willing to be when I write. How connected to mySelf am I when I write, or how much am I in my head? Because I don’t want my old habits and defaults of editing/self-censoring what I write, of voicing thoughts that I perceive might sound ‘good’ or ‘interesting’ to a reader but possibly aren’t authentic expressions of what I am really thinking, to click in. What does it take? I know that answer – it requires that I’m unaffected by what readers think, that I’m undaunted (unhaunted) by old fears about meeting approval, gaining acceptance, of whether I can write something ‘worth reading’. It means, if/when these nagging voices start up again, that I wake up and remember that these are very old habits of thought left over from my early childhood experiences, And when I AM awake and present, when I am mySelf, do I feel free to speak what is true for me in that moment, no matter what? Is it safe for me? Can I allow my thoughts to flow through my fingertips? Yes. So just how visible, how fully . . . living: bigger, visible, whimsical do I want to be? This blog space is here, now, ready for me to engage myself fully . . . to step on the clutch. put 'er in gear and start gaining speed, and grin ear to ear. How great is that! Words aren't big enough right now.

Fearless?

I had written in an email that, knowing what I know about myself now, ‘I’ll be fearless’ when I enter another Manifesting A Meaningful Life intensive at the Wel-Systems Institute ( http://www.wel-systems.com ) in ten days. And my words have been buzzing in my head for two days now so I’m drawn to write here and see where this goes when I let my fingers do the talking.

Fearless? Probably not! Does that mean I’m fearful? No. I have claimed my fears for what they are, for what they have been and have meant for me in my life. And I realize there was an intelligence for me to ‘create’ a state of fear in my body to protect myself BACK THEN. And I am now in a different state – neither fearless nor fearful.. My fears are still a part of me but the ones that I/my body have allowed to move through my body and have lost their ability to limit me, to hold me back. Knowing that my fears are/were a result of who and what I believed I was, and how I thought my world ‘worked’, they’ve lost their charge. They are old, tired has-beens pasturing in my back forty. Have I discovered ALL of them? Do other fears, or further layers of ‘familiar’ fears still exist in me, out of my conscious awareness? Quite possibly! and my body will tell me when it’s time, and I will pay attention. Because who wants to be limited by old/past beliefs?! Not me. Done that. I won’t be actually looking for them, just listening up when I notice I’m tightening up or I’m holding my breath – which for me are often the early signs of ‘here’s more for me to learn about myself’.

So what am I, if ‘fearless’ doesn’t fit? If the 'fear conversation' isn't relevant, really!? What am I now, before ‘entering the Manifesting intensive’? Today, I’d say: I am curious, full of anticipation, and powerful. Big and strong inside with the awareness that my past is my past and that I’m not who/what I thought I was; I am able to choose for myself, moment to moment, how I will live I am not a victim, not to anyone else nor to my past. . I am able to stand my ground. And with those dynamited boulders of ‘fears’ flowing freely in me now like fine sand, I’m bigger; there are huge ‘safe’ spaces inside that weren’t available to me, open for new thoughts, insights and impulses – infinite possibilities. Not a bad place to be in for the Manifesting intensive because it's a full week of describing, exploring and giving words to the energetic force or vibration that I am in this universe!

Opening Night

It feels like a celebration is in order: I'm setting up a new blogsite after nine months of blogsilence. Why? Because I want to. It's that simple: I want to be blogging again and having a NEW site to start up again on feels right. I want to celebrate that I'm here and that everything's possible. I want to see what the expressions of my Self that flow out of my and onto these pages are (without worrying about grammar e.g. verbs at the wrong place the sentence). I'll be visible here, I'll probably even be whimsical - certainly I'll be exploring/discovering what that actually feels like if/when MY whimsical is visible simply because I allow it to spill into this site. And what's with the 'bigger' in my blogtitle? Seems to me like that's what I'm discovering inside me - more space, more time, more ME that's alive and beeping. And 'living'? That one is the most interesting 'issue' for me . . . there are so many 'ways' to live and I've already ticked off a few of them as DONE; there are other Livings that I want to continue and expand the scope of. And too, there are the ones i haven't tried that fascinate and challenge me now and so, many posts, I'm pretty sure, will be exploring MY take(s) as I live more fully, intensely, engaged - or don't, and wonder about that too.
So, as the curtain rises and the this new festival begins, I'm thoroughly enjoying being here, being me - and that state of affairs is pretty damn new and very wonderful. And it's mine.